Parental Problems

When I get angry at someone, the 1st thing that comes into my head is 'this will not help the situation'. It's usually followed by some nasty profanities mentally, but I keep them in there because of my first thought. My husband, too, chooses his words carefully. I'm coming to the observation we are very fortunate to be able to do this.

My parents... ah, my parents. They do the polar opposite, which is perhaps how I gained my wisdom from watching their failures. Thanks mom & dad. And to make their situations worse, all too often the are giving into their destructive vices.

My dad began this latest tidal wave. Rather, my mom did but my dad involved me. Mom's gambling again. It's bad. She won't listen to me.

Two days later I have a lovely intervention with her. She's laughing through half of the conversation, and even tries to turn the tables; "well, your father didn't complain when I won money and he was able to buy new fishing gear!" Today we're talking about you, mom, not dad, and how your actions impact me. How I have to watch you guys suffer and continue to make decisions that will only make your financial hardships worse. When you see a friend financially hurting, don't you want to help. I know you do. But how can I help you, my own parents, when I know it'll just be pissed away to gambling machines. I'm do not want to help the bars; I want to help you! Please, let me help you.

Mom agreed to quit gambling if dad agreed to quit drinking.

Both of these vices have left scars on me from my childhood. My mother almost got me arrested by putting a gambling voucher in my name when she had "signed herself off" of a gambling boat (making it illegal to trespass, and a federal felony to assist in fraud). She did get arrested herself a week later when she went back. This is the worst scar from it; my almost being arrested wasn't enough to scare you? The possibility of your child in prison from something you did isn't a wake-up call?

Dad's scar on me is a mix of being put in the car with him when he insisted on driving drunk because he's a "better driver" when I'm in the car (when I look back now, I cannot help but wonder how could either parent continue to do this, time and again?) and him being overly affectionate when he drinks; constant hugs, petting my hair, 'you are my pride and joy'. Yes, this may be true, but it would ring more true if you would tell me more when you're sober and less when you're drunk. The result of my dad's affection only when drinking is that my husband cannot touch me when he's drunk- I get physically nauseous from it. I even think it silly that I am so revolted by display of affection when drinking. My father was never inappropriate with me, and indeed I knew he meant the words, I know my father loves me very much. But somehow I never liked his display of affection when he was drunk, and recoil from the idea because of instincts born from my childhood.

Dad's breaking point shouldn't have come from actions with me, though. It should have come from the thousands of other actions, like when he almost choked his son out for refusing to let him drive drunk to a bar. When he tried to commit suicide- several times- because him & mom got in a fight from his drinking and he decided it wasn't worth living. Or how every time he goes out with my mom for a birthday or anniversary and has too much to drink, he always gets in a fight with her - how are you not seeing a pattern? Or, most recently, when he came home drunk and headed upstairs with full arms, one arm full with a bottle of more liquor, and fell down the stairs, almost paralyzing himself.

I have started asking my mom recently "how does that brick wall fell? The one you and dad are hitting your heads against over and over? How has that not cracked your skull yet?"

I don't hate them for the scars they left. I know they're all too human, though perhaps they learn less from their mistakes than others. What I gained and have learned from them is so valuable- truly, I appreciate my life all the more for it. Besides, no parents were perfect- we all have a few family wounds.

Back to the recent problems...

Mom's held up her part of the bargain. Dad has not. But dad likely thinks his side wasn't really the problem that triggered this intervention, therefore it's OK. 

As a result, these children in 60-something bodies are at odds with each other all too frequently. How can a marriage last nearly 30 years with all of this anger, hate, and vices, and drama?

Worse yet, I feel like I need to make a difference. I can communicate with them in ways that are receptive. They are simply unable to do so with each other when it comes to emotional, touchy issues. Since they cannot afford therapy, what kind of daughter would I be if I didn't do what I could to try to help them see the other's opinion?

But should I really be putting myself in this position? Isn't it their responsibility to finally grow up, or their decision to keep hitting that brick wal?

The Anticipation is Bugging Me

I'm fighting a growing impatience to start my life back home in IL once more. 

Today I took a deep breath and found it unsatisfactory. It held too much of the city smell- slight pollution and not quite fresh. I want to inhale my country air!

I am fighting an urge to check out jobs. Whatever I find will not be available once we actually move. I shouldn't waste time looking at something irreverent to my current situation.

I can close my eyes and picture our previous departures from San Diego as we drove home for vacation, then imagine the scene I'm picturing is my final trip home, for good. 

There are things that I will miss; some particular individuals, the consistency of weather (even if it is quite boring), and the luxuries our current home offers that likely our next home won't- like a NEX a block away. 

Mostly though I'm just antsie to be close to my brother, sis-in-law, their kids, my dad, and ... I guess... my mother. I miss my family something awful.

The "Big C" Touches Me

I have the Cancer Treatment Centers of America commerical stuck in my head. "When she was diagnosed with cancer... my whole world stopped." (He tears up)

My father has been diagnosed with Colon Cancer at age 66. Today they preformed a biopsy on his liver to see if the dark spots on the scan were just dark spots or whether his cancer has spread.

My world hasn't stopped, though it is my elder father and not my same-age husband. It's stumble-worthy, though. Just as we're making plans to head home, I'm learning now my father may need me home sooner than I realize. Yikes. 

My brother's intelligence continues to shine even with the prospect of losing his dad. It may be near robotic, but it's also the smart way to approach this:

Really that's all we should do. 

When the time comes, mourn. Doing anything before then is a waste of energy- especially if its 30+ years down the line. 

To begin, be thankful. If anything, this can be a fateful reminder of how much we cherish our loved ones.

To survive, keep moving. I again think of the husband in the commercial and his "my whole world stopped". Well what use does that do? Does your loved one want you to stop living? Will that make her happy? I seriously doubt it. If the worst should happen, how will you pick up the pieces of a life that stopped xzy months/ years ago? It'll make survival without that person that much worse because now you have to fix the mess you let your life get to. No, Keep Moving!

And So It Goes.

Crawling Closer to Return

image courtesy of here

Sometimes it feels like my husband is making my life's decisions for me. It was his decision to join the Navy that dragged me away from my family. Post boot camp, it was his decision for the west coast instead of the east cost that stationed us an extra 1,000 miles away from our family. I'm just going along for the ride.

I do not blame him, though some days I have to remind myself it's not his fault. It was my decision to commit to him. This was His life's choice. Mine was to decide if I wanted to share in his life or not. What was worth more to me; my love for him, or my love for my life nearby my family? The great thing about family love is that, no matter how far away you are or what you do, it will always exist. Knowing that, I made my choice- which was to join in his choice.

Those crossroads are coming closer again. Five months from now he gets to make a new decision: stay in San Diego until his end of contract (July 2016), reenlist and make military his career, or chose another position on 'shore duty' which will tack another 2 years onto his service. We have been arguing about the pros and cons of each decision for about a year.

He changes his mind every few months, but in the last 2 month it's been firmly set on finishing his contract in San Diego and getting the heck out of this lifestyle that was never really for him. What kills me is it wasn't my opinion that solidified his opinion, but that of a psychologist he's been seeing for his anxiety problems. I'm trying not to be annoyed about that; sometimes it takes an outsider opinion to help you to see things the clearest. I can understand that.

This brings us to the next problem: where do we go when we're done? Naturally I'm for heading near home. Not the home we grew up in, which is mostly full of ignorant, closed-minded, stuck-up, class-divided idiots. Especially after lavishing in one of the few beautiful things about San Diego; diversity. Somewhere near my family and the few close friends I've held onto. Something of a close drive, to see on weekends or have a last-minute babysitter if needed (when the time for children finally comes).

That's not quite home for him, though. It's the story he's been telling me for almost a year now. I understand that; I can respect that. His parents have moved, the other two people of his family he was closest to are passed away, and he has not maintained his friendships long-distance like I have. He wants a fresh start, somewhere to make new memories. Somewhere closer to Delaware, where is parents are now.

Who wins? Neither of us wants to make a loser of the other, yet it doesn't feel like we're going to come up with a solution any time soon.

Then there's the pressure of preparing for this new life. He is convinced we'll both have a hard time finding new jobs. How will we afford our life? He wants to take a nice, long, road-trip vacation as we head home- I'm trying to tell him that's impossible. How can we both save for heading home & save for this vacation? How can he both want to be prepared for a new life financially and plan to spend any money we save?

And there are days where I'm just so damn tired of being good and understanding. I'm tired of trying to see his side. I'm tired of living his life. How can I make him understand all the sacrifices I have made mean that it's time for me to make a few decisions about our path?

Love sucks some days.

Military Wife Problem #6: Boredom

Lots of challenges for families of military. I never understood what made them so special when I was just a regular civilian. Now I see the truth to it: you have no control over your life. 

What does that say about the spouse, one not in the military, who accepts this lifestyle willingly?

I suspect a large percentage don't realize what they're getting themselves into.

I knew from the start what I was getting into. It was part of the reason I never understood why people would join the military. Yes, it's a secure job. Even better if you are proud to fight for your country. And, I'm sorry to say, most people I know went for motivator #1 as the starting point, #2 was just an after-thought.

I knew as long as Hubby was in the military, I would come second in his life. Not that he wants it that way, but that's the situation it requires. I'm not talking about the "oh, I have a bad day, and my Hubby wasn't there for me" whine that girls do... ok, though that does suck some days too. I'm talking "Oh shit, something just blew up/ died/ I just robbed a bank, and my husband isn't going to be able to be there for me." 

I tell myself "he's worth it". I believe that, but I know some people that would call that stupid.

I know girls that would dump boyfriends for less.

In an examination of my relationships, I find that I rarely was truly, classically In Love. I loved At men. The difference? The love I felt rarely synced with their life. The result? I learned how to be alone. Maybe too well.

I accepted this life, knowing it would lead me to occasional solitude.

When the big phase of Deployment arrived, I did not run. I learned to accept and embrace my surroundings.  I accepted my solitude. Some might say I institutionalized myself. 

Some lean to other military families for support, some make new friends, some move back to their home town, to let their families help them through the tough times. 

I embraced my state of alone. 

Again, though for a shorter time, I find myself in this same situation. 

What does that say about me? What does that say about my marriage, and it's chance of success, when my husband is able to devote full time to me? 

Growing up my parents worked several jobs so even then I found myself alone. I started going for long walks at age 12, and it took my parents a week to realize I disappeared every other evening for an hour. I vividly remember this, because I remember thinking how messed up it was when I came back from my walk and they were angry with me. How can you be angry at what you're missing?

Child to adulthood, alone has been my status. Some days it sucks, but most of the time I learn it's OK. I enjoy myself, I am relaxed, I am productive. Being alone is my status of life

The state o isn't the real problem, though. The problem is something a bit more obvious.

I am so very, utterly bored!

Real Problem: I have entirely too much time on my hands. 

Truly, I'm doing such a typical girly thing by over-analyzing my situation. I am nit-picking and reaching to conclusions that are insane. Yes, I'm alone. So freaking what! I also spent most of the last year with my husband with 0 problems. This "alone" status isn't really a problem. I'm making it into a problem so my brain will have something to think about.

That's why the key to being a military wife is knowing how to distract yourself. The brain needs problems to solve and things to think about. In absence of that, it will start making shit up! Thank God I can recognize this, or I would be wrongfully filing divorce papers soon, convinced I had entered into this marriage by mistake, on some divine mission that I am truly meant to live a life of solitude. THAT would be a mistake.

Amusingly, I discovered I'm not alone in being bored. I found this on pinterest:

Not a bad idea, except I've done them. But how does one define 'helpful?' I think I'll go look up some Random Acts of Kindness to unleash. A much more healthy use of my mind and time.

Words to Live By

I'm swamped with early US history as of late. In 3 short weeks the class has raced through early colonization to the American Revolution. This week's task (one of many) is to determine what specific passage of Thomas Paine's common sense pamphlet best illustrates that it was written for "common man". 

Fun side-note: I thought that Thomas Paine's 'Common Sense' was a huge book, much compared to that of Utopia, prior to take this class. If that's not proof I needed this class, I don't know what is.

While I read and re-read to determine the answer to my history task, this quote specifically caught my attention. What did Thomas Paine mean by that? Well, in case you're confused, allow Megan insight: it means that time allows the emotionally charged state you are in to pass, which allows you to better understand and accept things than having a reason alone. If I get fired, I'm going to be super pissed off at first. The boss may say "well, we caught you stealing" - the reason- and it doesn't mater, I'm going to be angry and upset at them. Only through time will my anger fade and allow me to accept the bosses reason and admit perhaps they had a point that I deserved to be fired- the conversion. 

Torments of Being 2,000 Miles Away...

I don't know if everyone has this built-in system, but I have a warning system that goes off every time my family struggles. The system tells me "I must go to them! I must do what I can to help them!" A bit hard to do living from here though.

Yesterday I received a text from my sister-in-law telling me my brother was in a car accident. Nothing major; just minor car damage and the shock of it all as trauma. Bad road conditions & my brother lost control of the vehicle. Act of God situation; he was driving well, or the damage would have been worse.

My first instinct is to get the first flight from SAN to ORD out of here. I can take the kids for a few hours, help my sister-in-law clean the house, make a quick dinner for them; something to help reduce the stress of this unfortunate situation.

In reality, all I can really do is just be open in case they want to talk about it- which they don't even have time to do. Flying out there would be a nice gesture, but the cost and vacation time used in the process is not efficient. Those things would be much better applied to a Real visit, one where everyone is calm and less stressed to spend a full amount of time with me.

Doesn't help the urge go away. They'll be OK without me, but I still wish I could help in some way. This is one of those things that I'll never get used to.

Eat, Pray, Love Introspection

I'm not the kind of person to follow the masses. When The Sixth Sense first came out, the idea of watching it made my stomach churn. I had seen so many commercials for it, heard so much about it, that I was already sick to death of it. Everyone managed to keep their lip zipped about what the "mystery" was, but I didn't even care by that point. (I did finally watch it when it was converted to a TV movie.) People are shocked that I, the great historical romance lover and romance genre lover, haven't read 50 Shades of Grey yet. Same reason as above; I have heard so much about it that I simply don't care. 

Eat, Pray, Love was that way for me, too. The problem with this is that I adore Julia Roberts films. Ironic, no? I can't stand a lot of over-hyped things but I love an actress who's movies are often over-hyped and whom was, herself, over-hyped for a while. I have a tolerance level to this that I don't understand it myself. LOVED the Avengers movies; Saw it on opening weekend. Won't watch Eat, Pray, Love. Make sense? I know, I'm weird.

I made a promise to myself that after the hype died down I would watch it. Then I learned it was a book first. That means I must read the book before I watch the movie.

Here's another side-story: I had a theory that everyone dislikes a movie that was a book if they read the book first. When "Where The Heart Is" came out I had read the book a year or so prior. I was upset by some of the dropped items in the movie an some of the variances between movie and book. I loved the book. The movie could have been better, but failed because it failed to follow the book better. Loved The Green Mile; never read the book. Both loved and hated The Other Bolen Girl book; was luke-warm about the movie at best. I developed a new plan: watch the movie first, then read the book. Maybe I'll enjoy the movie and book alike. I tested this theory on The Hunger Games. Problem with this theory? People generally want to watch the movie to see what they've read and pictured in their head come to life in front of them. I don't want to read the book because I already have a vision of how it will be and what will happen for the most part. True, there are bound to be details that are different, but I'm finding I don't care as much. I think it also hurts facts that I didn't  really enjoy the movie. Kind of flaws the testing. Either way, I've determined my theory to be either incorrect or inconclusive an I am returning to reading the book first, then watching the movies.

So it's been quite a few years now and I'm finally curious about what the hype was about for Eat, Pray, Love. I am finding what others probably found when reading this book or maybe even watching the movie: maybe I need to do a little introspection like the author did. I am only into "bead 9" and am finding myself relating a lot to the author's former, messed up lifestyle. It has me questioning my own life; am I really happy with how it is right now?

Last night, in a phone conversation with my once-again-gone husband, I mentioned to him, "I don't really feel like I have a life of my own anymore; I'm just living your life." So it's no wonder I'm relating to a woman who finds herself in a mid-life crisis of sorts.

I'm in a dead-end job. I love where I work, I love who I work for, but being a phone receptionist and mailroom clerk will not get me into the career field I enjoy. I loved working as the receptionist of a physical therapy office; I had a real excitement about seeing patients, felt a great importance about the work I did- however medial. I am a 'need to be busy' girl, and this job doesn't cut it. I am blogging while on the clock, and no one minds. Doesn't that say something? Give me more work to do, I'd be happy to keep busy and let time pass faster. I preached this for over a year to every department member I could find before giving up- it produced no results. 

My marriage is good when he's around most of the time. When he's not around it's a question of if it's worth it all the time for me. Our vacation home was a big bust. He spent most of the time complaining, meanwhile I missed seeing most of my friends and my family as much as I wanted because we were seeing His friends, His family, buying a new car for Him. I can't even bring up that I'm upset about it because he's still so wound up from deployment that any little thing I say is twisted to be ten times worse than what I mean. So I can't talk to him, but he's hardly around to talk to anyway. The problem is that's Not His Fault. It's the Navy, not his choice. How can I resent him for something he has no control over?

What is left in my life? My friends are distancing themselves from me. At the end of the day, it's too hard to coordinate a phone call when they have dishes to do before bed and are exhausted themselves. I miss out on what's going on in their lives, I'm fading out of the picture. I cannot blame them for this, either. I'm guilty of the same crime. By the time I think to call them, it's 2 hours later there than here an they're already in bed. It doesn't help that my Once a Year visit to them skipped all but 2 of them, and even those visits were shorter than I wanted and lacking a "let's go out and have fun" memory.

I have made no real friends in San Diego beyond  my colleagues, people I don't see outside of work.  I've given up trying. I used to walk into a Wal-Mart and make a new friend back home. Out here I concentrate on not getting pocket-picked in a Walmart and avoiding getting run over by carts. (It's an ''Every Man For Himself" mentality in San Diego everywhere you go- highway or isle way.) 

What about getting a pet? Our place is a 'no pets' place, but I read online that if I have a doctor's note saying I need it for mental stability I can bypass that. Problem is pets cost money. Getting a new car for my husband has stretched our budget too thin. Not to mention we have no intention of staying here after my husband's done with the military so I'd have to pay to ship the animal across country. No, that's not a good plan. Not cost smart, and not smart to a potential pet. (I speak of a cat or dog, not a fish.)

To sum up: a husband in my life part-time, a job that is going nowhere, no friends, family, or pets, in a place that I hate.

I'm asking myself the same thing the author is asking now. What do I want? What will make me happy? Not I, as in my brain, the I that is in my heart. 

• I want my friends back. I love them, they are my extended family. They make me laugh, support me, and tell me to shut up when I go a little crazy.
• I want my family back. I miss my niece and nephews so much. I miss the dinners with my family. I don't miss the drama of my mom, but the other aspects make it worth while.
• I want out of the city, specifically San Diego!!
• I want a new job; something in the health field, or at least something that keeps me busier in my days so i'm not mind-numbingly bored all day.

I shouldn't complain about my life. I get paid for doing very little all day. I have a job, that in itself is something people would kill for. I have a man who loves me, a love surviving impossible situations already. I have a beautiful house and am financially comfortable. I am truly lucky.

I'm not living a life a want, though. I won't be able to for several years. Life is so short; I could go at any time. Do I really want to spend 2 years unhappy to be with my husband part time? 

Ok, I shouldn't say "unhappy". I make the most of what I'm given. I want more than I'm given, though. I worked so hard to get my own place, get in a great job position. And for what? To down-grade in pay, to live somewhere I hate, to be trapped? 

On the other hand, some people could say that about this economy. They lost their job without their choice, I picked this life. They are stuck and cannot find new work, at least I'm working. They are broke, I have a savings account. It's so hard to be unhappy when you're an eternal optimist.

I want more out of my life. Am I willing to wait nearly 3 years to get it? Will my husband understand at that point that we spent 3 years following his dreams, now it is my turn? Especially since the navy was never his dream, just his solution to a mountain of school loans and 3 part-time jobs to make ends meet running him into the ground.

This damn book made me ask these questions, hopefully it will offer me some answers soon.

Keeping Positive

A lot of self-help books will give you reason after reason to think happy thoughts, as Tinkerbell says. There's a reason why: it works.

I write this tonight because it hits home for me. My parents are both unemployed. Older and slower with technology, they are struggling to stand out in the job market. They're close to retirement and one paycheck away from living off the streets. Many others can claim to this, too. It gets to you- the constant rejection from jobs, the lack of positive things coming your way, the constant stress and worry.

This situation can't be made perfect, but it can be weathered through. It's frustrating, but planning for the future cannot be done in a situation like this. Hoping for the future is the best you can do. It makes living for the day, the moment one of the most important tasks of each day. "Today I have a roof over my head." Many others don't. "Today I have opportunities for a job." Hey, go look into other countries- some people don't even get choices. There is ALWAYS someone who thinks your life, however bad you see it, is better than theirs. You do not have it as bad as you think. There is always something good to be found.

Yeah, stuff sucks, but stuff is good, too. My parents have each other for support. They are making it through each day. Something will come, that's the way it always seems to work.

You can't say "I'm never going to have this happen", or "We're never going to get a break!"

You Cannot Predict The Future.

Have a plan, and have a back-up plan- that's all you can do.

Do not get upset when plans don't go the way you want. Learn to adjust cause, baby, that's life!

As a kid you wanted the line to go faster for roller coasters. Did having to wait make the ride less enjoyable?

That's how things are being with a military husband. Waiting for him SUPER SUCKS! The moment he's in my arms, I can't remember a moment of us being apart. It all falls away. Tim McGraw sang about it, too- I'm unbroken. You have to wait in line for the good stuff.

AA has it right. Accept the things in life you cannot change. What a great rule for life!

I cannot make someone hire me, but I can try harder to present myself, ask opinions, and find out the best way to present myself for other opportunities.

I cannot help it if a job fires me, but I can build a savings account just in case it ever happens.

I see two categories in life: What things are, and what things aren't. You can't change either of these, but how you deal with it will determine your life.

My co-worker told me any time his technology breaks (computer/ phone/ printer) he looks at it as an opportunity to buy the upgraded model. That's the mentality we all need to have in life.

I practice what I preach. I'm (almost) always in a good mood. I don't let things get me down long and I look for opportunity in every challenge. Extra work for me isn't a bad thing, it's a challenging thing. How much can I successfully accomplish in one day? When I go over all I've done in my day at the end of it, I feel great about myself. I'm a doer, an achiever, a positive thinker- you should be to!

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams

To explain this I think I need a bit of a back story. I'm bad at short versions, though. I'll try my best here.

Four years ago I was in love with a man who was unavailable. Very unavailable to me. But he was everything to me. And he told me he loved me in his way. He strung me along. I was a fool.

Two years ago a friend, who was also an ex-boyfriend I cared deeply for, was killed in a motorcycle accident. That accident broke me down, than woke me up.

I realized the man I pined after was built up more in my head than in reality. All the things I thought were great about him were great 5+ years prior. I held onto the man he was, not the man he became. And I realized it in one phone call. Funny how life wakes you up so quickly after years in a fog.

Then, a little while after that, it was a moment in a song, and a look, as I looked at my best friend with new eyes- a man I was falling in love with. A man who put the pieces of me back together when my friend was killed. A man who supported me in good times, was the first to celebrate my birthday with me every year. This man became my husband. 

But you can't erase 6 years of loving a man. My husband knows that there's a part of me that will always love Mr. Unavailable, just as there will always be a piece of him who loves a woman of his past. Those people of our past made us who we are today, so we can't hate them. We accept it, and work with the love we have for each other now- and let it grow, and heal our old wounds.

Last night I had a dream about Mr. Unavailable. It was the first dream I can remember with him in it since my husband became my husband, and it was very vivid. It is haunting me today. It stirred up the feelings I had let go of. I guess I didn't let go of them as much as I thought. Maybe my grief for my lost friend took over them and stuffed them somewhere deep instead. 

His image, though I haven't seen him in 3 years, is still in my head today. It's the image of who he was, though, and not who he is today- I have to remind myself that. I have no idea who he is as a man today. I have to remind myself that, too. And it's not him that I miss, it's the love & passion that I miss. Were my husband not deployed right now, I doubt I would have had this dream. Still, it was one powerful dream. 

Why Girls Cry

I am not a professional. I'm just observant. These are opinions, not facts.

To my fellow females- have you ever been so very, very angry? Yet, instead of being able to fuel that anger into a punch or a kick, you crumble into a mush pile with tears and snot running down your face? Just as scary sometimes, but not nearly as effective.

Not all women know what this feels like (and so I'm not bias, maybe some men do know that feeling), but for those who do- DOESN'T IT SUCK?!

While I don't cry often, I understand why some girls do: It's a release. Some girls are just more emotional than others. Some girls take things out of perspective. Some do it for attention.

To the gentlemen & women who don't cry- I promise you: for many this is not something we want. Crying is exhausting! It's near maddening to be in the middle of an argument when it happens. You are trying to get your point across, but all points are lost once the tears start to flow.

Some of the things that have helped me: 

Being ADD. Seriously! I can be in one of those "I'm so pissed" modes, then I turn on TV- Oh look, Big Bang Theory! YAY! All better.

Deep breathing and perspective: One of many rules I have for life is "If this won't effect my life in five years, this should not matter in five minutes." Imagine I'm incredibly pissed at traffic, had three people cut me off, and I want to break down. I take a deep breath and tell myself "This won't matter five years from now. Get over it." Strangely, it works. At least until the next yahoo cuts me off.

Think of ways to make it better: Did your boyfriend leave you? Did you lose a job? Is crying about it going to change these things? Nope, sorry. It might actually make it worse actually. As you cry, you re-play what upset you. Doing so can actually build the item up in your mind and turn it into a bigger deal than it really is. (See above's five year rule.) Try, instead, to think of ways to fix your problem. IE: Finding a new job, all the fun you'll have dating new cuties, etc. When in doubt, simply stop thinking about things- find a way to zone out or meditate. Focusing on what's wrong will only make it worse- That I Promise!

Let Go Of Hate

Hate is an exhausting emotion. I've heard people disagree with me on this, but I don't believe their argument. They get fired up using examples to prove to me Hate is a worthy emotion to hold on to. There are circumstances where I agree.  Hating oppression, starvation, and injustice are good things. The value of that hate only goes as far as the hater using that emotion to inspire them to help resolve or fix the problem. If you hate the situation but are doing nothing to fix what you hate, what use is that emotion? Hate brings sorrow, misery, and frustration. Why do I want to surround myself with those emotions? I don't, and neither should you. If hate will inspire you to create good, create happy, than hold onto it for the inspiration. Otherwise you need to let it go.

My next argument I hear is "I can't". That's not true, the truth is "I won't". We can train ourselves to do anything if we accept we can do it. It's like learning to ride a bike for the first time; you're not going to always get it right away, but you will get it eventually. If you never learn how to let go of hate, at least you can lessen the hate you feel over time. 

Common examples of simple hates are ex's in relationships. "I hate her/him for breaking my heart. I'll never forgive her/him." That may be what the ex deserves, but it isn't what you deserve. Each time a memory of that relationship is brought up, you'll think of the ex with hate. It will bring you down. Who's winning from that situation? Certainly not you. Here's how I see it: By dating that person, I became a better part of myself. I'm a little wiser and I'm a lot stronger. I wouldn't be the person I am if I didn't have them in my life, and I like who I am- whether they're with me or not. I can't change the way they feel and make them love me by hating them, and they can't change the way they feel to love me regardless of what I do. I'm going to let it go, let them go, and be happy for the good times I had with them. There will always be good memories to look back on, otherwise you wouldn't hate them so much for leaving you. Sure, I can't have more, but I enjoyed the ride while I was on it. It propels me to find someone new to enjoy the ride with and create new memories. A new adventure is always a good thing. Not only do I lose the hate, but I am inspired to look forward to something new. 

The bottom line is life is too short. While we're here, we need to laugh, love and enjoy ourselves as much as we possibly can. Surrounding ourselves with hate is going to pull away from the experience and make it bitter. Take a deep breath, let it go as you exhale, and focus on the things that make you smile. If you need some help with that, focus on this: