My parents... ah, my parents. They do the polar opposite, which is perhaps how I gained my wisdom from watching their failures. Thanks mom & dad. And to make their situations worse, all too often the are giving into their destructive vices.
My dad began this latest tidal wave. Rather, my mom did but my dad involved me. Mom's gambling again. It's bad. She won't listen to me.
Two days later I have a lovely intervention with her. She's laughing through half of the conversation, and even tries to turn the tables; "well, your father didn't complain when I won money and he was able to buy new fishing gear!" Today we're talking about you, mom, not dad, and how your actions impact me. How I have to watch you guys suffer and continue to make decisions that will only make your financial hardships worse. When you see a friend financially hurting, don't you want to help. I know you do. But how can I help you, my own parents, when I know it'll just be pissed away to gambling machines. I'm do not want to help the bars; I want to help you! Please, let me help you.
Mom agreed to quit gambling if dad agreed to quit drinking.
Both of these vices have left scars on me from my childhood. My mother almost got me arrested by putting a gambling voucher in my name when she had "signed herself off" of a gambling boat (making it illegal to trespass, and a federal felony to assist in fraud). She did get arrested herself a week later when she went back. This is the worst scar from it; my almost being arrested wasn't enough to scare you? The possibility of your child in prison from something you did isn't a wake-up call?
Dad's scar on me is a mix of being put in the car with him when he insisted on driving drunk because he's a "better driver" when I'm in the car (when I look back now, I cannot help but wonder how could either parent continue to do this, time and again?) and him being overly affectionate when he drinks; constant hugs, petting my hair, 'you are my pride and joy'. Yes, this may be true, but it would ring more true if you would tell me more when you're sober and less when you're drunk. The result of my dad's affection only when drinking is that my husband cannot touch me when he's drunk- I get physically nauseous from it. I even think it silly that I am so revolted by display of affection when drinking. My father was never inappropriate with me, and indeed I knew he meant the words, I know my father loves me very much. But somehow I never liked his display of affection when he was drunk, and recoil from the idea because of instincts born from my childhood.
Dad's breaking point shouldn't have come from actions with me, though. It should have come from the thousands of other actions, like when he almost choked his son out for refusing to let him drive drunk to a bar. When he tried to commit suicide- several times- because him & mom got in a fight from his drinking and he decided it wasn't worth living. Or how every time he goes out with my mom for a birthday or anniversary and has too much to drink, he always gets in a fight with her - how are you not seeing a pattern? Or, most recently, when he came home drunk and headed upstairs with full arms, one arm full with a bottle of more liquor, and fell down the stairs, almost paralyzing himself.
I have started asking my mom recently "how does that brick wall fell? The one you and dad are hitting your heads against over and over? How has that not cracked your skull yet?"
I don't hate them for the scars they left. I know they're all too human, though perhaps they learn less from their mistakes than others. What I gained and have learned from them is so valuable- truly, I appreciate my life all the more for it. Besides, no parents were perfect- we all have a few family wounds.
Back to the recent problems...
Mom's held up her part of the bargain. Dad has not. But dad likely thinks his side wasn't really the problem that triggered this intervention, therefore it's OK.
As a result, these children in 60-something bodies are at odds with each other all too frequently. How can a marriage last nearly 30 years with all of this anger, hate, and vices, and drama?
Worse yet, I feel like I need to make a difference. I can communicate with them in ways that are receptive. They are simply unable to do so with each other when it comes to emotional, touchy issues. Since they cannot afford therapy, what kind of daughter would I be if I didn't do what I could to try to help them see the other's opinion?
But should I really be putting myself in this position? Isn't it their responsibility to finally grow up, or their decision to keep hitting that brick wal?
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