Sometimes it feels like my husband is making my life's decisions for me. It was his decision to join the Navy that dragged me away from my family. Post boot camp, it was his decision for the west coast instead of the east cost that stationed us an extra 1,000 miles away from our family. I'm just going along for the ride.
I do not blame him, though some days I have to remind myself it's not his fault. It was my decision to commit to him. This was His life's choice. Mine was to decide if I wanted to share in his life or not. What was worth more to me; my love for him, or my love for my life nearby my family? The great thing about family love is that, no matter how far away you are or what you do, it will always exist. Knowing that, I made my choice- which was to join in his choice.
Those crossroads are coming closer again. Five months from now he gets to make a new decision: stay in San Diego until his end of contract (July 2016), reenlist and make military his career, or chose another position on 'shore duty' which will tack another 2 years onto his service. We have been arguing about the pros and cons of each decision for about a year.
He changes his mind every few months, but in the last 2 month it's been firmly set on finishing his contract in San Diego and getting the heck out of this lifestyle that was never really for him. What kills me is it wasn't my opinion that solidified his opinion, but that of a psychologist he's been seeing for his anxiety problems. I'm trying not to be annoyed about that; sometimes it takes an outsider opinion to help you to see things the clearest. I can understand that.
This brings us to the next problem: where do we go when we're done? Naturally I'm for heading near home. Not the home we grew up in, which is mostly full of ignorant, closed-minded, stuck-up, class-divided idiots. Especially after lavishing in one of the few beautiful things about San Diego; diversity. Somewhere near my family and the few close friends I've held onto. Something of a close drive, to see on weekends or have a last-minute babysitter if needed (when the time for children finally comes).
That's not quite home for him, though. It's the story he's been telling me for almost a year now. I understand that; I can respect that. His parents have moved, the other two people of his family he was closest to are passed away, and he has not maintained his friendships long-distance like I have. He wants a fresh start, somewhere to make new memories. Somewhere closer to Delaware, where is parents are now.
Who wins? Neither of us wants to make a loser of the other, yet it doesn't feel like we're going to come up with a solution any time soon.
Then there's the pressure of preparing for this new life. He is convinced we'll both have a hard time finding new jobs. How will we afford our life? He wants to take a nice, long, road-trip vacation as we head home- I'm trying to tell him that's impossible. How can we both save for heading home & save for this vacation? How can he both want to be prepared for a new life financially and plan to spend any money we save?
And there are days where I'm just so damn tired of being good and understanding. I'm tired of trying to see his side. I'm tired of living his life. How can I make him understand all the sacrifices I have made mean that it's time for me to make a few decisions about our path?
Love sucks some days.
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