($()#(@@__#!!(***@( San Diego Drivers!

A Note To San Diego (really, all So-Cal) Drivers

1. Please stop hitting the break because someone 2 lanes away also hit the break- YOU have no one in front of you and no reason to break! THEY do- knock it off!
   
2. Please stop hitting the break because we're going downhill- going 10 miles over the speed limit on a down hill won't harm anything- I promise, and you're slowing down the rest of us because now the guy 2 lanes over is also breaking
   
3. When going uphill, the gas petal is on your right. You will have to push harder to avoid slowing down to 40mph- a speed that only grandma's in the right lane should be doing on the highway.
   
4. I have learned you So-Cal's didn't know we mid-westerners have a phrase for your driving style. I'm letting the secret out of the bag, mid-westerners!
   
   "The California Pause" was a driving skill we used to giggle about when we'd barely yield at a stop sign. This was a common occurrence in the country- 1/2 the time there is no need for that stop sign, such as at 6am when next to no one is out yet. This is no longer a laughing matter. People are allowed to park in front of stop signs (not the case in IL), so you cannot see easily whose coming down the cross street & how fast they're coming. Are you sure they are paying enough attention to see there is a stop sign? I no longer practice this "pause", and there are turn from an intersection, then look in my rear view mirror and *BAM* someone is riding my butt. Imagine if both of us practiced "The California Pause". And that brings me to another thing...
   
5. GET OFF MY BUTT! ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON'T HAVE INSURANCE!! Riding my bumper may seem like a great idea, but it's truly not going to get you to your destination any faster,  and when Mr. Failed Merger swings in and I have to slam on the breaks, I do not trust that 1.) you'll stop, and 2.) that you can afford to fix the damage you just caused. Save us both a lot of time and headaches and BACK THE FUCK OFF!
   
6. BLINKER! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, BLINKER!!

We interrupt this Message for a Pop Quiz

(cheers from the audience)

Question 1: What is the definition of a blinker in reference to an automobile? Is it...

a.) what occurs when my clock needs to be set

b.) a light that indicates I need to have something fixed

c.) that knob that I use only when my palm needs scratching while I'm driving

d.) a flashing light for sending messages, as a warning device, etc, such as a direction indicator on a road vehicle

Question 2: What is the purpose of a warning device?

a.) a distraction device to keep people on their toes

b.) a device that signals the occurrence of some event

c.) a buzzer that goes off when the Tom finally catches Jerry

d.) pizza

Question 3: If a tornado siren were to go of, people would expect:

a.) kittens to be born

b.) a tornado to have just passed

c.) pizza

d.) a tornado to be nearby, with just enough time to get to safety

This Pop Quiz is Over. If you answered c to question 1, a to question 2, and b to question 3, you are probably a driver in San Diego! Thank you, everyone, for playing.

(cue theme music)

     Seriously, folks. A blinker is like a conversation. "Excuse me, drivers in (left/right) lane, I need to join you. Will you please speed up, slow down, or just make room so I may enter?" A blinker is an announcement of intent. Using the blinker while you are merging is USELESS! I actually prefer those drivers who don't use their blinker at all- at least they're using it more accurately than those who use it mid-merge. 

    And even that I wouldn't mind as much, except I was focused on the left lane, not the right lane, and suddenly turning to see you flying up and squeezing between me & a car forcing me to 1.) have a heart attack, and 2.) slam on my breaks, all at the same time. NOT COOL! 

     My tornado analogy:  we do not expect a tornado alarm to go off the same time a tornado is slamming down on our house. When we hear the fire alarm, does that mean the fire is directly next to us? No, and a turn signal is no different! 

This rant has been brought to you by the Sick and Tired, Fed Up, Beyond Irritated Midwestern Driver. 

Thank you.