Friday, October 5, 2012

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams

To explain this I think I need a bit of a back story. I'm bad at short versions, though. I'll try my best here.

Four years ago I was in love with a man who was unavailable. Very unavailable to me. But he was everything to me. And he told me he loved me in his way. He strung me along. I was a fool.
Two years ago a friend, who was also an ex-boyfriend I cared deeply for, was killed in a motorcycle accident. That accident broke me down, than woke me up.

I realized the man I pined after was built up more in my head than in reality. All the things I thought were great about him were great 5+ years prior. I held onto the man he was, not the man he became. And I realized it in one phone call. Funny how life wakes you up so quickly after years in a fog.

Then, a little while after that, it was a moment in a song, and a look, as I looked at my best friend with new eyes- a man I was falling in love with. A man who put the pieces of me back together when my friend was killed. A man who supported me in good times, was the first to celebrate my birthday with me every year. This man became my husband. 

But you can't erase 6 years of loving a man. My husband knows that there's a part of me that will always love Mr. Unavailable, just as there will always be a piece of him who loves a woman of his past. Those people of our past made us who we are today, so we can't hate them. We accept it, and work with the love we have for each other now- and let it grow, and heal our old wounds.

Last night I had a dream about Mr. Unavailable. It was the first dream I can remember with him in it since my husband became my husband, and it was very vivid. It is haunting me today. It stirred up the feelings I had let go of. I guess I didn't let go of them as much as I thought. Maybe my grief for my lost friend took over them and stuffed them somewhere deep instead. 

His image, though I haven't seen him in 3 years, is still in my head today. It's the image of who he was, though, and not who he is today- I have to remind myself that. I have no idea who he is as a man today. I have to remind myself that, too. And it's not him that I miss, it's the love & passion that I miss. Were my husband not deployed right now, I doubt I would have had this dream. Still, it was one powerful dream. 

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