Negativity Born from Waiting

The smart girl who knows over-planning is a waste of time is not being heard. The one that says "I want to go now! I want to start a new adventure now!" is shouting too loudly.

This weekend I got into a fight with my husband over plans. The source of the problem is my husband has become too military in his thoughts. In the military you don't give opinions- you hear and follow orders. My husband sometimes forgets when I give an opinion that it's not an order. He doesn't forget the fact that he can argue and debate with me, though. He bits his tongue normally at work, but (lucky me) at home he can let it all out. What should be a calm discussion of shared opinions quickly escalates to him getting frustrated and shouting. I shut down and become silent when someone shouts at me. So we have hurt feelings until I can calm down enough to offer a response. Said response is typically 'I wasn't telling you what to do, I was offering a suggestion- you didn't need to get angry and say such things.' Frustrating.

I partly blame myself in this. I was bringing up issues that won't be relevant for months yet, specifically how are we going to fit everything into our car that he wants us to bring. In the end we thought of a solution- a dry-run of car packing the day before they come to pack. But they're not coming to pack until the last week of September. It's good we have a plan for when that occurs, but it's really not needed. I'm stirring a pot for dinner and it's not even breakfast yet. 

I know better than to do this. I've had a few near situations like this before when we've prepared to leave for vacations- I'm overly eager. This impatience is somehow stronger than that and hard to control, proof in the fact I'm letting arguments get started over currently irreverent things. I need to stay in the moment, and the current moment should not be prepping or packing.

It's a vicious cycle. I don't have enough at work to fill my days, so my mind wanders to more exciting things, such as starting a new chapter that will keep my days full with tasks. This grows the desire to want to live such a life, so I start seeking out information and making plans. Then it bubbles over with desire to leave right away, until I can force myself to put a lid on it, store it away. But there's nothing else going on right now to focus on, so once again my mind wanders to the drive, to the packing, to the apartment searching, to the job hunting, and the cycle begins again.

*sigh* I need a good book, but I need one that's free since the current situation dictates I must save for the future months ahead. 

#waitingproblems