Dysfunctional Self

Another opportunity for self-discovery in the last few days. The latest discovery: I am still that awkward kid that just wants to be liked.

I think a lot of us have been picked on as a children. Bullies or siblings. God forbid, horrid parents. People who we have wanted to like us, but they just don't. For my part, the end result has shaped a big part of who I am.

As a child my parents owned a boarding kennel. We often had more animals as pets than we had boarders. I was dog-girl. Kids from a traditional upbringing don't understand why we'd own so many pets. It probably didn't help that mom & dad were working (or partying, in mom's case) so often they didn't notice that I was going to school coated in dog hair, and probably smelling like them too. I had a friend's parents once ban me from hanging out with her for several weeks because she was convinced I brought bugs into their home. Turns out there was a crack in the wall of my girlfriend's bedroom and the chilly fall evenings were flushing bugs inside. What does that say about this mother's opinion of me, though? Her first assumption when she finds bugs in her child's room isn't to check out the house foundation but to accuse the child's playmate of being a carrier. Wow. Was I really that disgusting?

Beginning of teenage years we lost the kennel (bank foreclosure), we moved, and I got a fresh start where folks didn't know dog-girl. But I was taught to be my mother's daughter. I talked too much, often of topics no one cared about, and was a blabbermouth. Learned that lesson well- you gossip and stick your nose in other peoples business too much, they will push away. Check. I lost some friends, but made some new ones. Only on my senior year these friends decided they don't want me in their group anymore either. 

This time I developed thicker skin. I accepted that sometimes people will change and the direction they will go is not the same as you. I knew that as an adult I would make a new circle of friends anyway. It still hurt, but it allowed me to gain a lot of inner strength and independence. 

As an adult, I still cannot read people enough to tell who will do this to me and who won't. Are you extending your invite out of pity for me, or do you genuinely want my company? My gut reaction always says it's the former, and I would rather be alone than get the pity invite. 

Example: For a birthday a few years back I planned a small get-together at a bar to watch some UFC fights. I invited three colleagues, two of whom I have that 'handle' problem. I liked them as people, respected them, enjoyed spending time with them and wanted to be friends, but could not tell if that was mutual. I left the invite casual and open. Four of them showed up, having brought an underage colleague I specifically didn't invite because I knew she would not be able to get into the bar. I felt awful, but I had two friends there. I was not about to change my plans because of one colleague, one whom I didn't invite so I wouldn't be in this awkward situation to begin with. So colleague A, whom I cannot get a handle on, left with the underage one. I respected that- underage should not spend the evening alone simply because she wasn't 21. I was still honored they showed up. Hey, maybe we are friends after all. Then suddenly colleague B began appearing uncomfortable, as if colleague A's presence was the only reason colleague B was there. Less than 30 minutes later and colleague B has made an excuse to leave. I read from Facebook status updates the next day that colleague B did in fact meet up with underage colleague and A. 

My problem: Why not just save everyone the energy and time by being honest? It was really not doing me any favors by colleague B staying there- I could see they didn't want to and that was more insulting than if they'd left with colleague A at the beginning. Why the facade? It's insulting and hurtful. If you don't like me, fine- leave me alone, don't do me a favor of honoring me with your presence, because I'd rather not have it if it's not genuine.

In San Diego: I haven't made the traditional friends out here. I don't go out, I pass on invitations from colleagues. Last night I realized why. I make two automatic assumptions of people. First, that they don't really want to be friends with me; they're just being nice out of social obligation. Second, that they will eventually pull a 'Colleague A-B' on me, and I'm tired of that game.

When I befriend someone I start to care about their opinion of me. And if I'm suddenly ditched or banned, then there must be something wrong with me.

As a child there was something wrong with me. My parents did not keep the most clean of homes, I was often covered in dog hair from living with 4-5 of them at any one given time, plus about 10 outdoor cats living inside our large storage barn and 2 indoor cats. I was a blabbermouth and a gossip. I often stuck my nose where it didn't belong, and was too naive for my own good. It's no wonder parents often blamed me for fights between two other children- which often started because I told their child something the other child said about them.  

As a teenager I think a bit of my problem stemmed from a neediness to be liked and a great lack of self confidence. No one likes to hang out with debby downer all the time, and I definitely had my weak attributes. I had an overwhelming sensation that something was wrong with me which caused people to repel from me.

I'm just tired now. I'm tired of trying to examine the situation; did I do something wrong or offensive? Am I too overbearing or loud? Am I obnoxious or annoying? I'm talking too much. I'm talking about things people don't care about. I've said the wrong thing, causing offense, awkwardness, or hurt. I was too shy or too introverted. I didn't show enough compassion or interest. I examine these things with every social encounter. Is it any wonder why I am tired?

My easy solution in San Diego has been simply not putting myself out there I don't make friends means I don't spend hours after every get-together over-analyzing, and I get to be happy just being me.

Is that really a solution?