Last night I finished Ms. Gilbert's Eat section and told my husband I've come to the conclusion that Venice is no longer on my " 'Yeah, Right!' Bucket List". I think I might like Italy, but Ms. Gilbert's description of Venice makes it sound less romantic and more dilapidated and sad. It makes sense; I've read articles that predict it will soon be a city of rubble, one of the 'abandoned cities' (See Beautiful Abandoned Places in the World). I would like to see Italy, though, if for no other reason than the food. I am an Italian food addict and the 'Eat' section has convinced me both my husband and I will adore Italy some day.
I am now 2 hours worth of reading into Pray. I admit, I've skipped over a few pages. Some of the stuff Ms. Gilbert gets into has to do with the history of some prayer, meditation, and yoga. The back story is just not something I can bring myself to find interest in.
I tried meditating once, it seemed interesting and was a nice mental break. The problem is my mind tells me it would rather spend that time playing computer games or Wii, and I give into it far too much. Kind of like yoga, too. I've tried it, but I bore too easily and it's not something I can convince myself to give a full commitment to. Most days I'm talking myself out of giving 10 minutes on the elliptical, 30 squats, and 20 lunges on each leg. I tell myself it's the least I can do (and really that is very minimal; a 18 minute workout including some light leg stretches at the end) but somehow I convince myself I don't even need to do that. It's probably the same voice that tells me it's OK to keep smoking... for now.
I'm glad to read I am not the only one who finds boredom in these tasks. Liz (as she calls herself in the book) states repeating the mantra mentally over and over again is boring, that her mind wanders. I can relate to this. My mind has a habit of wandering while I try to fall asleep. For many years on and off I have struggled with insomnia.
My brain isn't quite like hers is described. My brain mocks me for things I've said or done over the years. As I try to fall into blissful slumber, it brings up, "Hey! Remember that moment in high school when you were an outcast and tried to talk to those girls in your class? Remember how you just jumped into the conversation and they gave you weird looks? What were you doing there?" Or even more recent, "Remember when your husbands friends were over and you were talking? Do you really think they cared about all that? You need to learn how to shut up."
Yes, brain, I know. I talk too much and rarely think about what comes out of my mouth beforehand. I know I give too much detail and derail from my point to madness. I've decided it's a genetic disease; my mother does this, too. It's especially not something I want to remember while I'm trying to fall asleep. As I lay there and these moments in time pop back into my head, I can feel the redness of embarrassment seep into my cheeks. I can feel the unsettled feelings overcome me; stupidity for saying such things, insecurities for what others think of me, and sorrow for having ever said/ done them. Now I'm worked up- great way to try to fall asleep. I shake the feelings and try to return to slumber, only to hear the last song I listened to (several hours ago) start up in my head, or the last show I watched begin re-playing in my mind. It's my mind's way of saying, 'Nope, we're not going to bed yet. If you won't let me mock you, I'll show you something you enjoy at the moment you won't enjoy it. Ha!"
This is how meditation would probably start out for me.
I am taking this section seriously. Some of the questions that have come to me in the begging of Eat may find their own answers through Pray, much as I hope Liz finds her answers. If I have to do my own version of meditation in order to find my answers, I'll do it. What I'm doing now isn't helping me. The definition of insanity always rings in my head in these types of moments (doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results each time). Divine intervention doesn't seem likely to be bestowed upon me (though I continue to pray for it, selfish creature that I am). I must try something new or accept I am going to spend the next few years being unhappy. No, I am not one to give in to sadness and depression- those things eat away at you faster than city smog does. I'll keep trying to make this work.
It might be a good time to review the age-old question: "What do I Really Want?"
I really want my marriage to work.
- Then I must stay in California with my husband.
I really want financial stability in my life.
- Ah, this is a two-part. I must stay in college to obtain my degree. It might not hurt to consider extending my Associate Degree for a Bachelors. I also must work harder on saving and paying off my bills, and less on spending and being overly generous to friends and good waiters. (I recently gave an excellent waiter a $20 tip for a $45 bill; I was just astonished with the perfection of service received.)
I really want to be back home in IL, or at least a lot closer to my family.
- Well, you cannot have this. All things desired cannot be given all the time, all at once. If you want your marriage to work, the immediate future says you must stay out here. If you want to be with your family again, you must give up on your marriage.
That hardly seems fair. I miss out on my godchildren, my nephews, and my niece growing up. I have chosen my husband over them, but I've loved them longer. Have I made the right decision? Or am I too attached to children that are not my own?
That brings me to my next want. I want a child of my own.
- This is a conversation you and your husband have gone over ad nauseum. You need the mental, physical, and emotional support of your family when you have kids. Plus it would be really neat to have your son/ daughter play with your niece/ nephew's and godchildren. This means you must wait for your husband to get out of the military.
So because of my first dream, none of the rest of my dreams can really come true?
- Well, that's not true. Optimistic side says as long as you don't have kids you've got great success for financial stability. Adding kids to the mix will probably kill that dream. Are you sure you want it?
No, I just don't want to experience poverty like I did as a child ever again. With my work ethic and drive, I doubt I will. The fear is always there, though.
So what I really want is for my husband to be out of the Navy, my family to be closer to me (physically) again, my friends to be closer to me (emotionally) again, and for my marriage to work out in all of this. Oh, and to not live out of my car.
I'm in the same spot I was at the end of my last post. What I want are things I cannot have. Then how do I learn to accept it and not waste the next 3 years of my life being miserable? That is the million dollar question.
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