Page 151: I Will Learn To Let Go

If I'd have quit whining for the last hour and continued reading, I might have saved myself some wasted time.

Bead 48 of Pray is a conversation Liz is having with a friend. He tells her, "You gotta learn how to let go... Otherwise you're gonna make yourself sick. Never gonna have a good night's sleep again. You'll just toss and turn forever, beatin' on yourself for being such a fiasco in life."

Yeah, that sounds about right.

I have to learn how to let go.

I used to tell people  that everything in life happens for a reason. You may not understand it or see it now, but I promise you there's a reason. Even if you don't believe in faith or God, believe that you will some day have a "reason" for what you're going through. Let that be what gets you though if you have nothing else.
-A reminder for what NOT to do.
-A reminder of what you LOVE to do.
-A great thing to smile and laugh at.
-A reason to keep breathing.
-A lesson of life.
-A way for you to see the bad in someone pretending to be good.
-A way for you to see the good in someone who seems to be bad.
-A reminder it's OK to cry sometimes.

I spend a lot of time in retrospect. I reflect on memories probably much more than I should. In thinking about what I went through I see what world wisdom I've gained. The levels of poverty I experienced as a child, the constant loss of loved pets growing up (we eventually moved to a non-pet place with the family boarding kennel business failed), the misguided things my parents did that effected me. Instead of dwelling on how much my childhood and teen years sucked, I always looked for opportunity. I learned how to let go of things and places you loved when Life says you must. I learned you can take new places and make them into things you love, much as I have done with the inside of my home in San Diego.

I will gain good memories out of this place, if I can just control myself enough to let go of the bad and hold closer the good. I had a great time playing Mario Cart on Wii with my husband last night. Moments like that I will cherish. Our date nights. This is our time, just us. No family, no friends, no reminders of past failures.

I need to learn how to let go. Yes, I agree. That makes perfect sense. I cannot control this world. I will still keep praying for things to change, but I will let go of the frustration that things are the same. I will let go of the sadness that's preventing me from enjoying the moment I'm in. I will enjoy the diversity and differences of the place I'm in, with the mentality it is not forever. Or I will try to at least, and that's all anyone can do.

Big rule for AA, and I agree everyone should have this as a rule in general: Accept the things in life you cannot change.

You cannot control everything, but you can control the way you react to everything. (My own rule, but I'm sure someone else said it first.)

I'm good at giving advice, but I'm terrible on taking it for my own purposes. Time to quit whining and work on changing the things I can, accepting the things I cannot. Like my attitude and this place. I may spend the next 3 years working on this, but what else am I going to do with my free time? Might as well spend it on self-improvement.

I will learn to let go. 

This is my mantra. This is my meditation phrase. I will learn to let go, I will learn to let go.