I'm blaming Eat, Pray, Love. I was OK with my little sad existence I could handle it. I ignored what I was unhappy with. Since I've begun reading Eat, Pray, Love, I feel like my world around me just plain sucks.
This weekend, for the first time in 1.5 years, we had guests at our home; some military colleagues of my husband's. It was a nice BBQ with a little shop talk on their part and a lot of "Getting to know you" on my part. I had 1 friend visit while husband was deployed, but this was our first "party" of sorts.
One of the optimistic voices in my head told me, "You just hate this place because you don't have friends. You don't go out anywhere, you don't do anything; who would enjoy that? If you started doing those things, getting some friends, you might actually grow to like this place more."
This past weekend was the test of what that voice claimed. My husband took me out for a "date night", we had guests, I even had dinner with him on the ship on Sunday since he had duty and was stuck there all day. It was the normal lifestyle we used to have in IL, only in San Diego now.
After our guests went home, and my hubby and I finished cleaning up, I was left in reflection on my own for a little bit. Right away I was overwhelmed with homesick longing. I tried to pinpoint why- I had no real reason to be upset from the outward review of my circumstances. If anything i should be on cloud 9 for beginning relationships with potential new friends finally.
I emerged from thoughts with a decision that 'optimistic voice' was wrong. I have been hoping my negative thoughts would go away. Eventually I would find something about San Diego to like. Eventually the culture shock of city life would wear off. A thought struck me: I wished I'd had the good fun I'd had last night back home instead. The memories feel sour because they're in this awful place. The enjoyment was muffled because of this place. There is nothing about San Diego that will ever make me want to stay here, and any attempt I make at trying to make good out of this bad will fail. The last hope I had to enjoy this place still wasn't enough to make me content with my surroundings.
Talk about your depressive notions. Without realizing it, I made up my mind that I will never enjoy myself as long as I live here. There is nothing I can do now to change my mind or attitude. For every negative thought I have I try feeding myself two positive thoughts to counter the bad. It doesn't work- I know the truth in my heart and soul: this is not the place for me. The longer I stay here the more unhappy I am.
The more I read Eat, Pray, Love the more upset I become with my surroundings. Ms. Gilbert is living her dream (and making me hungry with all that terrific food!!) while I'm living a nightmare. It's like not realizing you were sun-burnt until you feel the sun on your skin again.
In the meantime I keep praying for my husband's petition to come though. If anyone is reading this, please add my wish to your thoughts. He has brought home all his personal stuff from the ship this weekend. New rules on his ship: you cannot even have a personal book or use personal tools on the ship. Clothing, a small collection of food, and your phone is now the extent allowed. He spent 30 minutes venting to me on Friday about more new policies and procedures that make no sense. They're working earlier days now and staying later. They're running equipment to test it even though the last 5 tests came out fine- it's just busy work now. And the food they're being fed is god-awful! Prisoners get better treatment than my husband's ship! When I had dinner with him I simply could not eat with him. Potatoes had obvious rotten spots, the pees were a yellow/ brown color, and the chocolate cake looked like a sponge. He ate it because the navy auto-deducts for food allowance on boardk; he might as well receive food for what they're taking out. This is just wrong, but there's nothing we can do to stop it.
Please, God, save my husband for me and those who love him as you do. Find a way to let him out of his contract honorably. Find a way to medically discharge him for his numb toes or bad knees or bad back, which medical continues to ignore and sends him back to work. Please save my husband, and bring us home where we belong.
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